I don’t like to universalize the experience of grief too much because I think it’s such a personal and specific thing for everyone. However, I do believe that for the majority of people dealing with grief, seven of the most cringe-worthy words they’ll ever hear are all wrapped into one incredibly well-intentioned phrase: “Let me know if you need anything.”
Maybe you’re wondering how on earth an offering for help could possibly be construed as anything but wonderful. But that’s just the thing: The person who says this line isn’t actually offering to help. This person may be offering to be on-call if you, the griever, ever think of a task to assign them. And chances are very good that you, the griever, are way too overwhelmed to be able to think of who can do what for you. And you, the griever, are likely uncomfortable asking something specific of someone who’s made a very general statement about being there if you need “anything.”
Also, “Let me know if you need anything” is one of those things people automatically say in times of crisis. “Sorry for your loss. Let me know if you need anything.” It can be difficult for the person grieving to decipher who, out of the many-many-many people offering this phrase, might actually be in a position/ have a desire to help. Because so many people are saying it and so few people are following through with it, it comes off as an empty promise. Just a polite thing to say. A throw-away phrase.
A person in deep grief, especially a person in deep fresh grief, is not operating at the same mental capacity as a person who is not grieving. A person in deep grief does not have the ability (I am super generalizing here, I know, but man, I’ve seen so many examples of this as truth) to look at all that lies ahead and think: Ah, yes, I need help with all this paperwork; I’ll ask Jenny. I’m falling behind on groceries; I’ll ask Tom for help. You know who would be the perfect person to ask to watch my kid on Tuesday while I go to the funeral home and pick up my person’s ashes? Shannon. Oh, and Henry can help me pick up my cousin who’s flying in from out of town for the service.
A person in deep grief is more likely to think: AGHHLSDGHODSGHLSDANGSJKADSLK;JGOEAN, WTF, I don’t even KNOW what needs to be done or HOW it can be done or WHO I can ask or ASJGLJDGOPWEAJOGNEAOPIH!!!
So what can you say that’s more helpful?
•I made some soup and/or a casserole and I’m going to knock on your door at 5:00 p.m. No need to answer if you don’t feel up to it — I will leave everything on your porch.
•I know you have a lot of people coming in for the service and I just wanted to let you know we have an extra guest bedroom since Natalie went to college. I’d be happy to pick your aunt up from the airport and host her at my house for a few days.
•I am available in the afternoons after 12 and I can watch your kids then if you have any appointments this week.
Or: Don’t say anything. Do something! Bring some food over. Bring some biodegradable paper plates and cups. Bring a veggie tray. Bring cookies. Bring coffee or tea. Maybe skip the flowers — I know I didn’t want another dying thing in my house when I was freshly grieving.
If you’re close to the person, show up and look around. Is there anything that needs obvious tending? Take out the trash. Mow the lawn. Wash the dishes in the sink. One caveat about this: As Megan Devine points out in her book IT’S OK THAT YOU’RE NOT OK: MEETING GRIEF AND LOSS IN A CULTURE THAT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND, a freshly grieving person may have an attachment or connection to an object that you don’t understand. That half-empty soft drink may be the last thing their person ever drank and they may need to keep it on the coffee table for now. This is where the Just Do Something part of this can get a little tricky.
Then again, no one ever said this would be easy. Easy is offering an empty phrase. The real work of being there for someone is figuring out what needs to be done to back it up.
What CAN you offer to a person who is grieving? Are you particularly good at cooking, sorting through paperwork, sitting through difficult meetings with lawyers and funeral homes, or making phone calls? Whatever you can do, offer that. Be specific.
It’s okay if the thing you CAN do is to just a send a card to let the person know you’re thinking of them, or something equally simple.
And for goodness sake, if you do say, “Let me know if you need anything” and the person then asks you for help with something, do not flake out. Do not let it be a hollow promise. If you don’t really want to do ANYTHING, don’t offer it. Offer exactly what you can do instead. Or just show up and do it.
Before you automatically offer up the phrase, “Let me know if you need anything,” Stop. Take a few breaths. Think about what you CAN do. Offer that instead.
In grief and with love,
KrissyMick
Photo Credits, Top To Bottom: Carolyn Forbes, Carolyn Forbes, Kristen Forbes, Kristen Forbes, Mike Daems, Kristen Forbes, Kristen Forbes, Unknown, Kristen Forbes